Laughs of the week

The only late-night shows I (loosely) follow are The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. After seeing these two clips, however, I might just add Jimmy Kimmel Live to the list. The first clip is Portia De Rossi's Prop 8 PSA, and the second clip, well, made me laugh until I cried and my stomach hurt. Enjoy!

The Magical Meme

I have not written on this blog for a while, and it was not for a lack of things to write about. Perhaps it is the normal winter slump, the nasty cold that I have, or my Fernweh that is keeping me away from the keyboard.

There is something special about this facebook meme that is getting people to reveal random facts about themselves; even people who normally do not take part in this tagging game. It is that special something that finally got me out of my slump. I won't bother tagging anyone, as most of you have done this already! (Don't let that stop you if you have not done this yet, though!) Here goes:

1. I love cooking with offals. Unfortunately, what offal I cook and when I cook it depends on hubby. He enjoys liver and oxtail, so I can cook those whenever I wish to. I save recipes with tripe (“Eck! Even my mother’s dog refused to eat that!”), and my favourite, chicken heart and gizzard adobo, for when he is away or when I am especially annoyed with him.
2. Since high school, I have justified impulse purchases of sale items by means of the number of chocolate bars I could have purchased with the money I saved. (“Look! I bought this shirt for 20 bucks less than the original price – that’s 40 chocolate bars at the dollar store!”) The only time I do not feel the need to do this is when I purchase books. Books are always worth the expenditure.
3. When I start humming loudly for no obvious reason, it is often a sign that I just relived an embarrassing memory. Hubby knows this and exploits it to no end, and I love him for it =)
4. I do not own a driver’s license, and plan to get one only when it is absolutely necessary.
5. Scotland Yard is my favourite board game, followed closely by chess (even though I am horrible at it).
6. The only movie I have seen where the dubbed German is better than the original English is “Ice Age”. Otto Waalkes outshone John Leguizamo as the voice of Sid.
7. I can roll my Rs using the front end of my tongue, but not the back end. Hubby tried to teach me numerous times but I usually just end up coughing.
8. I am a city-gal through and through. The only way I will voluntarily move back to suburbia is if it is extremely well connected to the city. My own car would not hurt either.
9. I do not have a middle name. I kind of wish I did. In Germany, middle names do not exist – they are counted as another first name that you are free to use when you like.
10. I love the cut-and-paste nature of the German vocabulary.
11. I think Tyler Connolly has a sinfully sexy singing voice.
12. I think Colin Firth is sinfully sexy. Period.
13. I am the black sheep on my side of the family. On hubby’s side I am the foreigner, which always makes for interesting get-togethers =)
14. My favourite beer is Erdinger’s non-alcoholic Weißbier. Very yummy and safe for pregnant and breastfeeding women to drink. It gives you a nice boost of vitamin B and folic acid.
15. During my last pregnancy, all I wanted to watch were violent and gory movies. Dramas and rom-coms bored me.
16. I do not understand how someone can be politically apathetic, even though I used to be exactly that.
17. I received a pot of orchids (my favourite flower and VERY difficult to maintain) for my birthday two years ago. It seems to have awakened the plant-whisperer in me as it is still alive and blooming. I am proud.
18. When I can, I purchase from the bakery and butcher downstairs. I love that community-feeling you get, the kind you can’t get from the large, generic grocery stores.
19. I never knew that homosexuality was taboo until I was about nine years old and my mother shushed me for mentioning that my aunt is lesbian.
20. I don’t care if my children end up being homosexual, as long as they give me grandchildren!
21. Sometimes I wake up with a very deep voice, especially when I am sick. I like to scare hubby with it, and make him think that he just spent the night with another man.
22. My favourite household chores are the ones I was never forced to do when I was a child – scrubbing the washroom clean and the laundry. I tend to drag my feet when cleaning bedrooms.
23. My singing ability makes William Hung’s voice sound like that of Luciano Pavarotti.
24. I like to sing. A LOT. I feel sorry for my family.
25. I have a Filipino accent that creeps in when I talk with my mother, or when I am flustered. Hubby finds it charming. It embarrasses me.

English-English: Hash, Gash, and Stone

As every Bridget Jones fan (such as me) would attest, North American-English differs quite a bit from English-English. You know; washroom vs. loo, trunk vs. boot, and so on. Knowing this, I was still mollified by the sheer diversity when I moved to Germany, where the English of choice is of the British variety.

I received my awakening shortly after the move, when I needed to leave a message on hubby’s cell/mobile phone. I got the usual spiel: “You have just reached the O2 voice mailbox of (…) After the tone, record your message. To end, press hash, or hang up.”

What hubby would later hear is my short message, followed by some cursing whilst I pressed several random buttons. The problem was that I did not know what the hash key was. Was I supposed to look for a button on the telephone with a hemp plant on it? Or perhaps a button with a hash brown on it? Turns out that what I knew as the pound key is called the hash key by the Brits. Am I the only person in world that calls it the number sign key?
NB – I realise that the pound key would have been the logical choice. My mind, however, was at the time fried from the information overload familiar to amateur expats everywhere.

My next lesson on English-English came from hubby, who told me you do not call garbage garbage in the UK. You call it gash. Is that not a large, bleeding, cut wound? Not in the UK!

Then there is the measurement of weight in stone. Do bathroom scales in the UK tell weight loss in brimstone or granite? I was always tickled by this. We are living in the digital age, yet the Brits give the impression that they still hang out with Fred Flintstone. In fact, I purposely did not learn how that system works, so as to not lose the image of Wilma standing on a digital scale...
Fred: Honey you look great!
Wilma: Thanks, but I didn’t lose 4 stone like I hoped… I only lost 2 stone and 2 pebbles…

Parallel-parking 101

We have all seen it before; the driver with absolutely no sense of how big their car is. It can be especially annoying when you are stuck on a narrow road because someone is having a hard time parallel-parking their huge car.

I usually give the driver the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they are driving a rental, or they have newly purchased the car, and have yet to adjust themselves to the dimensions of it.

Drivers such as the one in the clip below, however, just make you want to scream how much room there is – never mind the fact that they are driving a Smart, the car that practically fits into your pocket!

Realitätsfremd

“It could have been worse.”

That is how John Thain, CEO of Merrill Lynch, defends his request for a $10 million bonus for 2008. Under his watch, the company’s stock performance burnt through billions of investors’ money. Under his watch the company needed to sell itself to Bank of America to ward off a Lehmann Brothers-like scenario. Goldman Sachs, not nearly faring as poorly as Merrill Lynch, will not pay out bonuses to senior management. And yet Thain feels he deserves the moolah because it could have been worse.

I was dumbstruck.

English has, by far, the largest vocabulary amongst the European languages. Despite that, you occasionally are at a loss of words when confronted with an outrageous situation, such as this.

I scoured my mind (and thesaurus) for a single word that encompasses the delusion that Thain must be experiencing. Initially, I thought that it was my being sick, and not a lack of words, that stopped me. Then hubby saved the day…

Realitätsfremd – German. Out of touch with reality, in the sense of being estranged from reality. Marie Antoinette-esque delusion.

I could have simply used the word delusion, but there is a marginal, yet significant, difference in meaning. Thain seems to find his success in how much more of a failure he could have been.

Sad. Very sad.

A musical you don't want to miss!

Love it!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Word of the day

irony

• noun (pl. ironies) A state of affairs that appears perversely contrary to what one expects, as in 'Bush receives International Medal of Peace'.

'Nuff said.

Let’s get it on… Let them eat cake!

Let’s get it on…
I know this is another article about pastors and sex, but I could not resist commenting on Reverend Ed Young’s advice. Simply put, Rev. Young believes it is time to “put God back in the bed” by means of a week of “congregational copulation”.

Before you call up your fellow parishoners and set up a holy orgy, I should clarify that the reverend’s advice is intended to help promote and improve monogamous marriage (sorry Utah). He delivered this message in front of and on a large bed. To really bring the point home, his wife was with him in jeans and **GASP** knee high black boots.

In all earnestness, the message is not completely silly. I do believe that a healthy sex life is vital in any relationship. The key in it, however, is that the sex should be fun and spontaneous, not forced. If you need orders from a reverend to have a reason to want to have sex with your partner, then you have issues that a week of pastor-prescribed fornication most likely will not solve.

Let them eat cake!
Unsurprisingly, this advice is aimed solely at married members of the congregation. I think it is a safe bet that one could extend that description to heterosexual, married members. The reverend went all Marie Antoinette on everyone else. His exact words:

I don’t know, try eating chocolate cake.

Er, excusez-moi? He did not just compare sex to chocolate cake, did he? Oh, yes he did. You hear that Lindsay Lohan? When you get an urge to do the mattress mambo, head to the kitchen for some chocolate cake instead.

Flip-flopping on Bush

Bush was apparently snubbed at the G20 summit. Or was he?

Nobody shook his hand.

BUT, he already greeted them personally at the White House. He made such a big show of it that it unsurprisingly became fodder to Jon Stewart and his brilliant comical wrath. Technically, nobody needed to shake Bush’s hand again.

BUT, is it not proper etiquette to acknowledge someone when they enter the room? This can be done with eye contact, a quick nod and a smile. Technically, Bush snubbed everyone except Gordon Brown, and everyone except Brown snubbed Bush.

BUT, everyone had their spot for the photo shoot marked on the floor. We all know that Bush is not the brightest of the bunch. How could we all have expected him to make eye contact with the other world leaders and look for his mark AT THE SAME TIME? Bush is not smart enough to realise that he was snubbing almost everyone. Technically, he was just avoiding bumping into the man in front of him.

BUT, he is known to procrastinate. Taking an extra second to acknowledge the other world leaders would not have killed anyone. It is highly unlikely that all the other leaders are equally as inconsiderate/dimwitted as Bush. Eventually, someone would have noticed that Bush was silently greeting them. Technically, Bush snubbed almost everyone.

So was there snubbery or not? If so, was it mutual? You be the judge:

Oxymoron of the Year

For the past few months, it seemed that Bush, a.k.a. Procrastinating Destructor Supreme, was playing catch-up to actually accomplish something positive. According to Tina Brown, that is no longer the case. All that is on Bush’s mind is his library.

Bush? Library? Does something not sound off? Are those two terms not mutually exclusive? I think it should be called the “George W. Bush Presidential Lie-barry”. Yup, that sounds much better. Underneath the library name it should read a play on Brown’s description – House of Horrors and Half-Truths.

How appropriate!

This week is International Babywearing Week. According to an email sent to me by Beate Uhse online, it is also National Climax Week.

I find this hilarious! Participation in National Climax Week this year would likely cause you to join International Babywearing Week next year. =P


Only in Continental Europe would you have a week dedicated to orgasms. And maybe, perhaps, also in Japan.

Obama planning world's biggest harem

If there is a positive that comes out of all the nonsensical fear-mongering from the GOP, it is that they have provided a goldmine for satirists worldwide. Here is a clip ridiculing some of the claims made about Obama during the election campaign.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

OCW a.k.a. POCC

This is a public health announcement. There is currently a condition quickly spreading through America: OCW - Obama Campaign Withdrawal, also known as POCC - Post Obama Campaign Confusion.

The Onion has released the following report identifying the symptoms. If you know anyone experiencing them, please bring them to the doctor yourself. They will not go of their own accord as they believe they still need to campaign!

Poking fun at the GOP's campaign one last time

Just a quick thought before I go to sleep...

The Redskins (by way of their game against the Steelers) predicted that Obama will win tonight's election. If they turn out to be correct, does that make them anti-American?

**lol**

UPDATE:
LeftLeaningLady: "Nah, it makes them the Blueskins."

Ha! Brilliant!

Favourite Election '08 Videos

Here are a few funny Election '08 clips to help calm down the election day jitters:

Only the Japanese...

...would come up with a toy/commercial like this. This is a commercial for those electronic pets taken to the next level.

WARNING: Not safe for work!

The contents of the video are not explicit, so to speak, but you might want to lower the volume if you do not want others around you to think you are watching Japanese porn. =P

How the world almost came to an end for Hubby

Hubby found out earlier today that he’s flying out the morning the election results are revealed, which sent him into an almost panic attack. He’s pulling out all stops to make sure he gets his election fix…


Honey?
Yes?

You bought me Burger King.
Yes, honey.

You never buy me Burger King.
Yes, honey.

You also bought me maple-glazed doughnuts.
Yes, honey.

You know I’m on a diet, right?
Yes, honey.

You’re not supposed to give in to my cravings.
I know, honey.

I’m trying to get back into my pre-pregnancy pants.
I know, honey.

And why did you buy a Colin Firth DVD?
I know you love him, dear.

And why did you get a foot-cooling lotion?
Because you’re always complaining how tired your feet are, and I think you deserve a nice massage.

Honey?
Yes?

Are you trying to bribe me?
Is it working?

What do you need?
Could you wake up and watch CNN early on the 5th, so you could tell me on my way to the airport what the election results are?

Ah…. A foot massage, eh?
Yes, dear.

Will you add a nice neck and shoulder massage?
Yes, dear.

Can we go out shopping for a new coat for me when you’re back?
Of course, dear.

Will you let me buy you and our boys matching outfits for this year’s Christmas photo?
**cringing** Yes, dear.

You’ve got yourself a live updater election morning.
I love you.

Love you too, dear.

(image from newsin3d.com)

Getting Punk'd by Canadians

Wow - a couple of days away from the news and so much happens! As SWC correctly guessed, I found this prank very amusing. 'Ustler's Nailin Palin - Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Hmmm... A Republican being pranked by Canadians with a joke involving foreign leaders. Does that remind you of someone else? Watch the video below - he makes his appearance starting at 1:53. Huckabee and Gore also get pranked, and I love the kid at the end of the clip!

(For non-Canadians, Rick Mercer is a Canadian political satirist, similar to Jon Stewart, only he has been at it for much, much longer. Poutine is not the name of a Prime Minister, but an inherently Canadian specialty consisting of Fries topped with cheese smothered in gravy. Delicious!)

The Muppet Felon

I am not sure how this works elsewhere, but when you see a quick, small flash of red on your right whilst driving in Germany, you have been photographed speeding. Within the following six months you would receive a letter outlining your fines and/or points of Flensburg (home of the national database of traffic violations), complete with your picture and a form you can send in if you believe that the person in the picture is not you. Hubby received on of these in September. He is pictured quite clearly, scratching his nose **lol** . I was sitting beside him, but I was blurred out.


Someone driving a British car in Bavaria has had a bit of fun with these speeding cameras. A life-sized Muppet doll (most likely Animal) was placed on the front passenger seat - the driver's seat in continental Europe - and was caught driving 155 kph in a 120 kph zone of the autobahn.

I initially found this funny, but apparently the driver has done the same thing for several traffic cameras. This showed that the driver knew the authorities cannot pursue him/her because of the foreign license plate. Potentially endangering others on the road for the sake of a joke - not funny.

Lions and tigers and...

...pot smoking, gay loving Canadians! Oh my!
























(cartoon from mapleleafweb.com)